Keepin’ It Real Rewinds – An End to the Sabbatical?

I know a lot of you have enjoyed my Keepin’ It Real Rewinds Series that I started to chronicle our experience with infertility, and an extreme high-risk pregnancy. It’s been a true privilege to connect to you through them, and to hear your own stories and struggles. It’s also been a true joy to celebrate with you on several occasions and rejoice over the blessing of a new miracle life.

However…

I’ve often put writing them aside, because they are just plain TOUGH to write.

Each paragraph brings back so many emotions from those days.  Days of grief.  Days of heartache. Days of uncertainties, held breaths, questions, difficult decisions, and bad news.

Part of me wants to put it all behind me.

To Let Go.

To Semi-Forget.

To Live Life Completely in the Present.

After all, we’ve been blessed more than we could have asked or imagined.  We are living a miracle. (4 of them, in fact!) We got the best possible scenario.

However…

I don’t want to forget the miracle. 

I don’t want to forget the obstacles that we’ve all overcome.

I don’t want to miss an opportunity to encourage one of you.

I don’t want to keep from giving God the glory and praise for preserving their lives.

 

So I’m contemplating returning to the series this summer…

(You can read the unfinished series if you’d like, while you wait on me to decide.)

For The Unspoken Mother’s Day…

How easy it is to overlook the details of a beautiful flowering tree.  I passed my own ornamental pear dozens of times, before stopping to take this photograph. We may admire the entire tree budding and blooming, but there’s so much more if you look closely. Within each branch are hundreds of blooms each so intricately designed and adorned with stunning beauty,

This Mother’s Day I didn’t want to overlook those who may blend in to the tree, so to speak. There are so many who are struggling with the unknowns of infertility, the loss of miscarriage, the pain of losing a child or your own mother.  The unspokens…

I hope that you find courage, strength, hope, and faith to face your journey today and in the days ahead. 

Psalm 62:1-2
Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved.

Please use the comment section if you feel led to share your own story, journey, or struggle. Help us to honor you…

Multiple Pregnancy: Expecting the Unexpected

"Behind every baby is an unbelievable story."  Discovery Health is revealing the stories behind some unbelievable pregnancies and births during Baby Week, premiering Sunday-Friday, June 14-19 at 8P e/p on Discovery Health. Programs included in the week's lineup: Twins By Surprise; Little Parents, Big Pregnancy; Births Beyond Belief; Obese & Pregnant, and others that are sure to peak your interest. You'll find a video preview of the episodes here.

Our own story of four brothers born on the same day, is nothing short of astounding, so Discovery Health along with BlogHer decided to highlight our blog on the Baby Week website. Many of you faithful "Quad Addicts" have been following our story for some time, and many of you are hooked on my Keepin' It Real Rewind Series, in which I'm slowly documenting our infertility and pregnancy journey. However, there's an "inside" story that I've yet to share with you, that I've decided to disclose for this post. 

After our battle with infertility, we knew our chances for twins were elevated due to hormone treatments for my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and a family history of twins, but we had no way to prepare for the shock of quadruplets.  In fact, we could hardly wrap our minds around the idea of "triplets" when we learned in the 8th week of pregnancy, that our 3 were in fact FOUR!  Each doctor's appointment seemed to up the ante, so much that I feared each appointment would be reveal yet another heartbeat and yet another multiple pregnancy term ending in "-let" (quintuplet, sextuplet, etc).  

I was terrified, purely terrified by the thought of quintuplets!  You might think after four, what's one or two more, but in my mind it was drastically different. I had 2 arms; Brad had 2 arms.  That was one arm for each baby.  We could somehow "handle" that.  Four car seats would fit in our minivan, four cribs could cram into one nursery, four boy colors (blue, green, yellow, and red) could be used to color code their feeding charts; but throwing another baby in the mix would breakdown my entire game plan.

Each doctor's appointment that passed without any more surprises, calmed my heart into believing that there truly were only four.  It wasn't until I was hospitalized at 28 weeks into the pregnancy, that the numbers fear became once again unnerving. Similar to the deliveries featured on Twins by Surprise, our hospital had a surprise multiple birth of its own, several years prior to our delivery. However, many of the nurses who were present at that particular delivery, in which an expected quintuplet birth became a sextuplet birth, were assigned to my care.  Repeatedly I heard about this mother's caesarian delivery, and the shock of the doctors finding another sac, just as they were starting to sew up her incision. Usually the story would end with a, "Can you imagine?" "What if you really have 5 instead of 4?" "Wouldn't that be something?"

My daily ultrasounds were less than reassuring, as body parts were crammed and tangled inside my stretched to the max belly. It was nearly impossible for our ultrasound tech to distinguish who was who, and even though I trusted her with my life, I couldn't help but question if somehow one could be hiding somewhere.

After 32 LONG weeks my body was rejecting the pregnancy.  High protein levels, hyper-reflex problems, and severe swelling signaled a dangerous condition known as preeclampsia had taken over. The highly anticipated birth day had finally arrived! As they prepped me for surgery, I felt a peace and calmness that I know HAD to be from God. Although I knew there was MUCH uncertainty in the hours and days ahead, I was eager to leave the extreme high risk pregnancy days behind, and meet these little ones who's lives I had been fighting for so long.

Immediately following the intense pulling, ripping, and yanking of my body, I heard the words, "The first one is out!" With each little life taken out of me, I could breath easier than I had for months.  Minutes later, (which flew like seconds) four tiny, yet perfect little bodies entered the world.   It was over...or was it?  I had just taken a huge breath of relief when my doctor in his dry wit yells, "Here's another one!" "Here's another one!" My heart stopped right there on the operating table. I'm sure alarms must have sounded to alert the anasethiologist that he had indeed lost me, but it couldn't be heard over the roar of laughter that filled the room. I was officially the mother of quadruplets!

The final "quint scare" took place in the resuscitation room, where the boys were cared for immediately following delivery. In the emotion and excitement of the moment, Brad lost count  and thought there were five babies.  Here's the video proof:

I am sure God would have shown Himself faithful if He would have given us another blessing in the bunch, but we were overwhelmingly satisfied with just four. Our hands are full with multiple miracles!

FAQs Part 2

This is Part 2/2 of FAQs that will remain posted on the menu bar, here on 4tunate. You can find Part 1 HERE.

6. What's a Day in the Life of a Mama of Quadruplets Look Like?

Contrary to popular belief I do not rise at the crack of dawn to churn butter, weave baskets, mend clothing, or cultivate the land.  In fact, this schedule looks like a breeze in comparison to the days of the 3 hour bottle feeding schedule. Currently, what works well for all of us is putting the boys down to bed rather late and in return, they sleep pretty late. Here's what a "typical" day looks like on our Hoppy Time clock:

5:30 Brad's Alarm Goes Off (Jen Ignores the Multiple Snoozes and Continues to Sleep)

6:30 Brad Heads Off to Work

7:30 Jen's Alarm Goes Off

8:00 Jen Showers, Gets Breakfast Ready, Prepares for Day

8:30/9:00 Get the Munchkins Up, Change Diapers and Clothes

9:15 Breakfast

9:45 Clean-up Breakfast

10:00 Playtime: Reading, Playing with Toys, Walks, Park, Playing in Yard

12:00 Prepare Lunch

12:15 Lunch

12:45 Clean-up Lunch

1:00 Pick-up Toys, Change Diapers, Get Ready for Nap

1:30 NAPTIME!!!!!!

4:00/4:30 Playtime

4:55 Brad Gets Home (We All Cheer Loudly)

5:00 Finish Preparing Dinner for 6

5:30 Dinner Together as a Family

6:00 Clean-up Dinner

6:15 Playtime

7:30 Bath Time

8:00 Get Ready for Bed

8:30 Lights OUT!

8:35 Pickup Around House, Laundry, Chores, Wash Sippy Cups, Fill Sippy Cups for Next Day, Veg, and Eventually Sleep

RINSE and REPEAT!!!! =)

7. How do you maintain a healthy marriage under the stress of raising four 2 year olds?

We work at it EVERYDAY!  I didn't realize how MUCH having children would challenge our relationship.  Brad and I's marriage has been tested like never before through the journey of quadparenting. We've failed in many areas and on many occasions, but we are committed to each other for LIFE!  We know that the only way our marriage will survive is if we prioritize our relationships: GOD first, each other second, and next our boys.  We use the quiet times of our day to regroup and communicate. We also allow each other breaks outside of the house, which I think has been vital! Once a month minimum date nights are another lifeline for our marriage.  We are extremely grateful for family and dear dear friends who have sacrificed their own time for the sake of our marriage!

8. What sorts of foods do the boys enjoy? 

Although I wouldn't consider myself to be a "health freak" by any stretch, I do think it's my responsibility as a mom to offer the boys nutritious options for meals. We aren't 100% Organic or even close, but as often as possible, I pick groceries that are natural sans preservatives. We also buy foods that are low in sugar. However, we do indulge in "treats" now and then, and fast food while it isn't our favorite choice, is something we resort to when we are on the road or in a bind.

Overall, I think we've struck a healthy balance for our family.

Some of our standby meals are: Quesadillas, PBJ, Eggs, Grilled Cheese, Chicken, Waffles,  Burgers, and their absolute favorite Pizza!

They aren't HUGE veggie eaters but we offer them every meal.  Their favorite veggies are sweet potatoes, carrots, hummus, and Veggie Straws. Each meal consists of protein, veggies, and fruit. The boys LOVE dairy and carbs, and almost any fruit - so those are simple to serve.

I'm ALWAYS up for suggestions in this department.  So feel free to share your favorite menus! 

9. How did you conceive quadruplets? IVF? IUI?

I've written A TON about our struggle with infertility in these posts, but for the record one more time:  Our boys were conceived without any "I's".  No IVF. No IUI.  I was taking a hormone to replace a deficiency in my body (due to PCOS) that is required for ovulation. I'm always willing to talk personally about our experiences through email and consider it a privilege to pray for the many of you who are trying to conceive.

 

10. How do you manage to keep things organized and clean in your home? 

I've gotten this question several times, and every time I look around me and chuckle out loud. Seriously. No seriously!  Don't judge a house by a picture.  These little rascals can tear up a spick and span room in an INSTANT!  We are teaching the boys to pick up their toys before nap, and at the end of the day. We do function best with ORDER, so I we do our best to maintain a orderly home, but in all honesty every week something, usually multiple things are left uncrossed on my To-Do-List. I just try to put the uncrossed items on the top of the list for the following week. It's all about perspective. Eighteen years from now I can worry about a spiffy house, for now I want to enjoy the boys while they are here, mess and all.  

 

Hope this answers some of those burning questions that you've been loosing sleep over! =)  In return for answering these FAQs, I have a few questions for YOU! How about returning the favor????? 

 

1. How did you find our blog?

2. Why do you read our blog?

3. What would you like to see more of on this blog?

Looking forward to hearing your answers to my questions!

Keepin' It Real Rewinds 11

****If you happen to be new to our blogging family, you might need to catch up on the KIRR posts numbers 1-10 HERE.****

I've avoided writing this post for weeks now, because this point of our journey is still painful to look back on.  However, I'm once again overwhelmed with an undeserving gratefulness to God for allowing our babies to survive and thrive in an "impossible" pregnancy. We owe Him all the glory!

Brad and I drove home separately from the doctor's office after discovering the fourth heartbeat, beating inside my petite 5'2 on a "tall day" body.  I remember driving home in silent, numb, emotionless, disbelief of our new "reality". The sheer number took a far second to the complication of the mono-mono twinning complication.  I just couldn't understand why God would grant my request to be pregnant with what seemed to be a death sentence for not one, but four healthy beating heartbeats, that were doubling their size daily.  Babies full of life with knee joints, and brainwaves, and eyelids...

I questioned if I was responsible for this tragedy.

I questioned how our marriage would sustain this trial...

How could I physically withstand this pregnancy?

Would my faith be compromised?

How would I explain this to our family and friends?

An overpowering nausea came over me that wasn't simply morning sickness.

When Brad and I were reunited at home, we decided to call a trusted friend in the medical field to come talk with us.  He immediately headed our way with his wife, and stayed with us late into the night; Listening, grieving with us, and offering us his guidance.

It was a very dark time in our lives.  The most difficult days we've ever faced.  Much darker than infertility, and even more dim than the uncertain days of the NICU. 

Our "best case scenario" (from the medical stand point) was for one or more of the babies to absorb or disappear, which was a real possibility in the first trimester.  We prayed for life.  We prayed for God to sustain ALL of their lives, but if He chose to take one or more of them, that He would do so for the sake of the other's survival.  That, my friends, is a difficult prayer to pray.  It was a prayer for life, but it was also a prayer for death. It's a prayer that brings me to tears as I type this very moment.   

Here's the blog entry written a few days following our appointment:

Pray for our babies....

(8/18/06):
Brad and I would covet your fervent prayers during the next few weeks. We found out on Tuesday that our babies are in an even higher risk category than originally thought. We appreciate your support and love. We trust God's sovereignty over this situation.

His grace was sufficient, even in our darkest hour...

Keepin' It Real Rewinds 08

If you are new to 4tunate, you might be new to KIRR (Keepin' It Real Rewinds). I'm in the process of getting our story down on "paper", detailing our journey of infertility that led to an extreme high risk quadruplet pregnancy.  You can catch up on the Rewind Series HERE.

After finding out that we were positively pregnant, the two weeks that followed were pure bliss.  Although I knew my risk for miscarriage was elevated (due to my PCOS), it was a victory to know that my body was capable of becoming pregnant.  Regardless of whether we carried to a full term, I knew that God had granted our desire to become parents. We decided to keep the news between immediate family until our first ultrasound, and it was a joy to have such an intimate secret to share with loved ones. 

During our two week wait we had several conversations involving the "what if" questions. What IF there's more than one?  I purposefully tried to dismiss the idea of twins.  I desperately wanted children, so if that was God's way of accomplishing that desire, then I knew He would give me the grace, but honestly, I thought twins would be overwhelming.  I wanted to be able to give individual attention to one baby, instead of being an attention drawing family.  Hilarious, right?  Brad in his naivety, envisioned all the positives of having twins and became partial to the idea.  Fourteen days couldn't come quick enough...

The night before our first ultrasound, Brad and I went out of town for his cousins wedding. We celebrated the night together and with giddiness talked about our little "baby".

Singular.

However, the next day brought more than 1 surprise. Anxiously we gazed at the black and white screen as our nurse, Lisa scanned for a viable embryo. She was strangely and uncomfortably quiet as we waited for her to interpret what she was observing.  I vividly remember seeing what I thought was 2 sacks followed by silence that lingered for minutes. As I lay motionless on the table, Brad spoke up with, "What are you thinking, Lisa?" I'll never forget her quiet reply.

"I'm still counting."

Panic swept over me.  Was this some kind of bad dream?  Was I going to be the breaking news story of the evening?  "Woman becomes pregnant with 17 babies". I thought of the McCaughey septuplets. I thought about our normal little life as we knew it. 

Lisa left the room to get my doctor.  I knew this wasn't good news....

They were looking carefully at one of the sacks that appeared bigger and different than the others.  After examining it momentarily, they concluded that it was "just one".  I still didn't know the total count. 

"How many then?" 

"Three." "Triplets."

Although I was completely shocked (especially after having a conservative cycle with "2" viable eggs), I couldn't help but feel relief over the number 3.  Sure, this would be a higher risk pregnancy.  No, this wasn't what I had in mind. But three isn't that freakish of a number.

And I most certainly wouldn't make the six o'clock news...

1st Ultrasound August 7, 2006

"Triplets"

 

 

Keepin' It Real Rewinds 07

Question from readers: "Will you keep writing more REWINDS?" 

Answer: Since you're still reading, I'll keep writing.  After all, there's much more to be told.  I wouldn't leave you hanging forever without closure, now would I?

Before I begin I must get this off my chest... 

I have been completely humbled and blessed by "meeting" many of you who are walking this bumpy, beaten path of infertility.  I am grateful that you have found us and that I have been able to share a piece of my heart with you.  As my Rewinds take a turn from "empty womb" to "maxed out womb", please know that I'm not leaving you behind.  I've kept your emails and comments and I continue to pray for God's grace in your lives. I long for you each to seek God's mercy, guidance, peace, and sovereignty, as you face these uncertain times. Throughout your grief, pain, and hopefully future celebrations, I hope you consider me a friend in your journey. 

Okay on to the "maxed out womb" part...

After the dream-like phone call with our nurse, we were giddy to tell our parents our long awaited news.  We wanted to keep it a bit of a secret between close family until our first ultrasound, since I was at higher risk for miscarriage due to my PCOS. We met my parents halfway for lunch to share the news, and then with Brad's parents the next day. 

We wanted a creative way to tell our parents. We surprised my parents by throwing in a picture of the BFP (Big Fat Positive) test that I had taken hours earlier in with other recent pictures we had taken. Here's a picture outside of good ole Pizza Hut shortly after breaking the news to my parents:

For Brad's parents we took pictures of me "pseudo-pregnant".  (Can you guess the item used to make my fake belly?) Not exactly realistic, but they got the message!

It was sooooo amazing to see our parents faces light up in excitement for us.  A moment not to be forgotten.

Here's what I really looked like on July 21, 2006, wearing clothes that I thought I would be able to wear the entire pregnancy (insert chuckles).  This was my official 4 week belly shot.

Not to leave the father out, here's a picture of my man posing with a book from a section of Barnes and Noble that we could finally check out: "Parenting and Family":

But this, my friends, was only the beginning....

Keepin' It Real Rewinds 06

Shortly after letting out my "Bahama Mama Braids", Brad and I made the decision to try one more round of the low-dose hormone treatments before going the adoption route. I'm not sure what to attribute it to (trusting God more, less nerves, prayer, timing, the idea of adoption) but the load seemed lighter this time.  Something about it seemed right. There was a silent confidence inside of me, yet I still remained overly reserved. Medically everything looked perfect, but our "chances" of getting pregnant (with one baby) were only estimated at about 30%.

July 21, 2006

I woke up before 5 am and no matter how hard I tried my eyelids would not close.  My blood draw was at 9am. Four LONG hours away.  I held out on taking a home pregnancy test, because I wanted the official medical results.  I also wanted to spare my heart from a false-positive, but now I couldn't stand not knowing.  I woke Brad up and minutes later we were squinting at the instructions with sleepy eyes. I didn't have to wait 3 minutes for the results, the plus sign appeared immediately. 

Did I need 2 plus signs for a positive or just one?  Two Slash Marks?  Did I do it right? Should I go out and buy another one? Hurry, figure it out before it disappears!

It was all so hard to process in the wee hours of the morning. Why didn't I just get the one with the little indicator screen that spells it out plainly, "Pregnant/Not Pregnant"?

It was a "time stood still moment", with a celebration to follow. It wasn't an all out celebration, because we still wanted the medical confirmation, but one that included hugging, crying, taking pictures in our pjs, and then yep, you better believe it, crawling back in bed.  (I repeat, I am NOT a morning person!)

After my blood draw, we meandered around Target and Barnes and Noble waiting for the much anticipated call from our nurse, Lisa. We contemplated creative ways to break the news to our parents to pass the time.  

A few hours later our phone conversation went something like this:

Nurse: We got the HSG counts back to confirm that you are pregnant!

(Insert screams, laughter, and a few million "Are you serious?" questions)

Nurse: Your counts are pretty high, though.

Me: What's that mean? Am I really pregnant?

Nurse: Yeah, you're really pregnant. It might be an indication of twins. It's too early to know for certain, but it's a possibility.  You'll have your first ultrasound in 2 weeks and that will tell us more.

(Insert momentary silence)

Me: Twins?  But like no more than twins, right? (So nieve.)

Nurse: No, probably not. It could be just one, it's just too early to know for certain. We'll see you in 2 weeks!  Congratulations! 

I was gonna be a mama after all....

 

PS I posted twice today, so scroll down if you haven't read my earlier entry.

 

Click HERE to Rewind Further...

Keepin' It Real Rewinds 05

Picking up where I left off...

God answered our prayers.

And He answered with a  "No".

BFN. (Big Fat Negative)

I can't say that I was overjoyed with His answer. In fact, it was hard to comprehend.

Why would He instill this deep desire to have a child and yet leave me with empty arms? 

I was heavy with grief and questioned if "mama" would ever be a title that I could own.

I don't know about you, but music has a way of ministering to me when I'm facing a trial.  At the time a guy by the name of Jeremy Camp had two songs out that I played continuously for the weeks that followed.  I'd like to share some of the lyrics with you, in hopes that they will be of comfort to those of you facing difficulties and uncertainties in your own lives.  The words contain such truth. (You see/hear the entire songs here and here.)

I Still Believe

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

Chorus:

I still believe in your Faithfulness
I still believe in your Truth
I still believe in your Holy Word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain (chorus)

Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me (chorus)

I Will Walk by Faith

...Help me to rid my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Well I will walk by faith
even when I cannot see
because this broken road
prepares your will for me...

 

God was faithful.  He was present.  And I continued to believe that His ways were perfect, even when I didn't "see"...

After the big "BFN", Brad and I were ready for a break from the emotional roller coaster that accompanies fertility issues.  We were even blessed by finding a steal of a deal (under $250 per person) on a last minute cruise to the Bahamas! Oh how food, sand, crystal clear water, and pampering restores the soul!!!!

 

 

 

We both have such fond memories of that trip together.  It was a vacation that will never be forgotten.  Little did we know it would be our last for a LONG while...

 

 PS More Rewinds Found HERE.

Keepin' It Real Rewinds 04

A variety of diagnostic tests followed my first RE appointment, in effort to rule one thing after another out, and nail down a reason for my "brokenness". Needles have never bothered me much, although my veins don't seem too fond of them.  (I'm the girl who makes even the most confident phlebotomist nervous by the fourth stick.) And then there was the lovely Hysterosalpingograph (HSG) procedure....YIKES!  Each test result pointed to nothing but PCOS, which was both reassuring and frustrating at the same time.    

*Side Note I: I returned to work after my early morning HSG procedure, (I know, TOTALLY should have burned a sick day) and a co-worker knocked on the door of my office to make sure I was alright, since I had missed some work due to appointments.  She said everyone was wondering if I was "PREGNANT".  I honestly fought the urge to just crawl under my desk and wait until she walked away to reappear. Oh how desperately I wanted to reply with, "Yes, I'm pregnant.  We're so excited!  Surprise!  We weren't really "trying", but that's okay! Uggh, and I'm already growing out of my pants, but Motherhood Maternity had this terrific sale on those cute elastic stretchy-top jeans, so I snatched up 8 pairs!  What I don't wear this pregnancy I can always save back for the next, right?" But, instead I gave a terribly uncomfortable grin and quickly mentioned something about having some tests run.  Super, super, nice lady, meant no harm, had no idea, but it still stings when I think about it.

So after all the testing was behind us, we began a new treatment, accompanied by a renewed hope.

*Side Note II: I've thought a lot about whether or not to specifically name the hormone supplement I was given, because I know many of you are looking for the "magic pill" that will give you the positive test (been there)...but I'm going to refrain from doing so, because I really encourage you to find a conservative doctor whom you can trust, and who researches the best treatment plan for your specific condition. The simplest explanation possible being, my body refuses to make a hormone necessary for ovulation, therefore, I took a hormone to replace that deficiency.  There. Done. Phew!!!!

I completed the first round of strictly monitored treatment during my Spring Break. Couldn't wait to go back to school and have all my kiddos ask me, "What did you do for Spring Break, Mrs. Murray?"  However, passing up the beach and tan lines for a potential "plus sign" was a sacrifice we were happy to make.  And only 2 ridiculously LONG weeks of waiting and praying to find out the result.

And the test was...

 

(Seems like a great stopping point! Rewind 05 coming up!  In the mean time, catch up on some old "Rewinds" HERE.)

Keepin' It Real Rewinds 03

(To Catch up on Rewinds Click HERE.)

After a few months of me being unresponsive to minimal treatment, my regular girl doc, referred me to the dreaded "Reproductive Endocrinologist".  It was all so...

Overwhelming.

Disappointing.

Complicated.

Confusing.

Embarrassing.

I now knew that I had PCOS (in rare form), but I thought I would be "fixable".  I thought I was coming to this office for the next dose of Clomid.  I didn't know I was signing up for a multitude of tests and being prescribed a bottle of emotions.

The nurse came to get me for the first of about 47 blood tests.  I closed the door to the conference room, leaving Brad behind, and burst into tears. It was an unusual display of emotions for me.  You see, I'm a closet crier.  I cry with Brad and on occasion my mom, but that's pretty much it.  However, no matter how hard I bit my lip and scrunched my face in all sorts of contortions, I couldn't hold back the tears.  Tears turned into sobs.

I felt like "BROKEN" had just been written on my forehead - displayed for all to see;  like a delicate flower without any petals.

I'm extremely thankful for two people in my life that monumental day.

1. A nurse named Jamie who introduced herself with a warm hug and comforting words while I sobbed into her white coat.

2. Brad - Predictable, but nonetheless, a true support for one hurting girl. I cannot tell you the words he used to console me that day, but I know that I went home feeling secure, cared for, and calm. 

He was stickin' by me, "broken" or not...

Through thick and thin, we make a great team together...Like Salt and Pepper.  A Hammer and a Nail. Apple Pie and Ice Cream.

A Fork and a Spoon.

Colossians 3:12-14 "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Reminder:  I'm sharing a part of our story in this post that has only been shared with a small handful of individuals. It's a part of our story that is extremely personal for me, but I feel burdened to share it with you, in the hope that I can be a support to someone else who is faced with this similar struggle. Please feel welcome to share our blog with a friend or family member who might benefit from reading our personal account. Thank you in advance for allowing me to share this part of our journey with you and for your utmost respect and sensitivity on such a heavy matter.

 

Keepin' It Real Rewinds 02

Note: I'm sharing a part of our story in this post that has only been shared with a small handful of individuals. It's a part of our story that is extremely personal for me, but I feel burdened to share it with you, in the hope that I can be a support to someone else who is faced with this similar struggle. Please feel welcome to share our blog with a friend or family member who might benefit from reading our personal account. Thank you in advance for allowing me to share this part of our journey with you and for your utmost respect and sensitivity on such a heavy matter.

It was summer 2005, when Brad and I had the "I Think We're Seriously Ready For Kids" talk in Savannah, GA over a fresh grouper sandwich. We were soaking up marriage and enjoying our time as a couple, yet anxious to hold the title of "parents".

Lady and Sons Restaurant (Paula Dean's)Savannah 2005

Looking back now, it might have been a little bit hurried (we'd been married 2 1/2 years), but I really did have that gut feeling that we weren't in for a "suddenly pregnant" scenario, so I felt pressured to get our journey started. I wanted to be a young, energetic, cupcake-making mommy - and I felt time a'tickin'.

I think my girl doc was waiting on my call by the end of the year. Although I wanted to trust God's timing, medically the probability of us getting pregnant on our own was extremely slim. Adoption was an option we carefully considered, but weren't ready to entirely give up on having a "little Brad" or "little Jen". We felt like this was simply a bump in the road - a common one that so many around us had faced.

We could handle a little bump.

I started researching infertility. Pee on a stick. I joined an online support group, as a "lurker". Pee on a stick. I would go to the library and discreetly check out books. Pee on a stick. I took my temperature at 7 am, without fail, every morning and carefully charted it on a graph. (If you've ever done this, you'll know what a waste of my time and my precious weekend sleep it was, as it was a completely flat line, no dips, no spikes. FLAT as a pancake!) Pee on a stick.

It was my way of coping with the uncontrollable. It was our private secret and we thought it always would be....

(You can read more Rewinds HERE.)

Keepin' It Real Rewinds 01

First off, thanks for the little catchy title suggestions, I decided to combine a few into "Keepin' It Real Rewinds".  Now to the "Real" Story behind this post.... 

I struggled to find a starting point for this reality post, but as I thought about sharing my heart, I realized that WAS the beginning.  My HEART.

A deep desire was there, in my heart, to have children from as long as I can remember.  I was the little girl at the grocery store carrying my life-size newborn look-alike dolly (Rebecca) with my diaper bag, bottle, and bonnet all in tote.   I loved acting out the role of mama and that innate desire to one day be a mama never left me...

It was something that came up on one of my first walks with Brad.  Even though we were just teenagers, it was on our hearts. As we walked we talked about "some day" and visualized ourselves as parents.   It was a key ingredient in my attraction to Brad.  I knew he would be a great father....

Yet, somehow I knew that it would be a struggle.  Call it a intuition, a gut feeling....I knew it wouldn't just "happen". 

 

And so as Brad and I continued our relationship through 6 (LONG) years of dating, and 3 years of marriage, we tried to keep our minds and hearts open to whatever the Lord had for us as a couple.  Many late night conversations started with the phrase, "If the Lord allows us to have children...", knowing that He alone was/is the author of  life.

Psalm 139: 13 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."

Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course,  but the LORD determines his steps."

I really wanted to trust God fully with our future.  

I wanted Him to determine my steps.

I thought I trusted Him. It was easy to say, after all.  Even an easy prayer to pray...

But my miniature faith was about to be tested more than I had "planned". 

The Anatomy of a Miracle....

[Yet Another Disclaimer: Due to some medical vocabulary used in this post, I'm giving it a PG-13 rating. I want to give you a heads up this because I know many of you read this with your families.]

I was recently involved in a serious phone conversation with a sweet mommy-to-be, who I met briefly through my perinatologist, Dr. Sumners. She was 13 weeks pregnant with triplets and considering a TAC (Transabdominal Cerclage) Surgery to prevent cervical incompetence and preterm labor. Her decision had to be made by the following day, due to the risks involved and the rapid growth of the uterus entering the 2nd trimester.

Having this discussion brought back many memories of sleepless nights, praying over this decision in our pregnancy. Unlike a transvaginal cerclauge, the TAC involves a incision similar, if not wider to a c-section, and believe it or not the uterus is removed during a portion of the surgery, so that a band can be tied around the base of the cervix! Isn't medical technology fascinating? To think that little Brooks, Clark, Isaac, and Henry were outside of my body at 13 weeks and then placed back inside of me for another almost 20 weeks is nothing less than incredible! It was one of the toughest decisions of our lives, but for us it came down to if we didn't would we look back with regret of "I could have done more" if we lost the boys before viability. God truly gave us a "peace that passes understanding" as we went from that week onward.

Is it because of the TAC that I was able to carry quadruplets to 32 weeks (the average gestation of quadruplets is 29 weeks)? We'll never know. God gets the glory for their lives and I know that He has placed doctors, technology, medicine, etc. in our path as part of His amazing plan, for which I am increasingly grateful. Every prayer was answered according to His sovereignty.

I'd like to close this post with a recording of Dr. Gentry explaining to our church congregation the seriousness of our mono-mono quadruplet pregnancy just days after my surgery. He explains it with such grace and accuracy. I encourage you to listen as it explains in great clarity questions that I often face concerning infertility, mono-monos, the TAC, and the risks of a quadruplet pregnancy. If you only listen to one portion fast forward to his prayer at the end - I think you'll be amazed at how God answered our prayers specifically.

(The following illustrations should visually complement the audio.)

Two Outer Sacs, Two Inner Sacs
(Typical Fraternal Twins; Isaac and Henry)

One Outer Sac, Two Inner Sacs
(Typical Identical Twins)

One Outer Sac, One Inner Sac
(Our Rare Mono-Mono Twins; Brooks and Clark)

(We're the only known set of quadruplets with a surviving set of mono-mono twins!)